I'm Stronger For It

I'm often told by God as I read the book of Joshua, "Be strong and courageous, for I am with You." I had reviewed my past actions, thoughts and feelings. I had no one to blame but myself for them. God has many times given the opportunity for me to express my feelings to someone but I never took them due to fear.

The fear of being rejected paralyzes me every time. But whenever others are chosen, I get jealous though I had no right to do so because people cannot read the mind of another person. I was hoping for that fear to disappear before I try doing so - but this was waiting in vain.

As an author puts it, Courage is the mastery of fear, not its absence. I need to be able to move forward and trust God in spite of my fear. This has been one of the significant hurdles I have in my life, my love, and my faith.I had been always too afraid because of my lack of trust in God to carry me through; I refused to do so because I was afraid to show that much vulnerability again.

Still, I will keep my silence about this as I do not want to disturb a relationship that the guy had achieved with her as he took the risk of being rejected and courted her in spite of that. I respect that enough to keep my silence. Forever, I will keep this with me. The pain will fade in time but the scars shall remain. God is always with me throughout everything, even as He draws out my flaws one by one for me to discover and correct them with Him. I thank God for at least in a way, I'm a stronger person overall.

I thank my Third Wave and Local NYI friends Tamara Allen, Danita Prathipsen, Ralph Miñoza, and many others who helped get through this difficult time. God be always praised for friends that He has given me.

I thank Tamara Allen for sharing this song as it encapsulates very well what I needed.

This is my Stand

I am a human being...a feeling being. I get hurt and feel lonely. There are so many ways I try to distract myself from these feelings. But I'm always comforted that Jesus Christ is with me and that He knows the feeling of not being loved by majority of the entire world as my feeling of not being loved by a person who means the world to me. This shouldn't be this way, for Christ should be my entire world. If I focus too much, it will destroy me. I have to move forward.

This is my stand.

Forgiving Myself

After everything I had said and done, it seemed to me that God couldn’t use me because I myself am struggling just like every other human on this planet. I am not an exemplar of anything; people see me as someone to look up to but they had not known what I had been capable of, of what I had done.

So I underwent training as a witness under the Campus Crusade for Christ. We were asked to witness on the street, I was having a hard time for it, fearing rejection. I talked to one or two people though and at the time, I thought it was miniscule and pathetic. Most of the persons who were at the basic level shared to more people as opposed to me, who was at the advanced level of the evangelistic course. It lowered my self-esteem and further deflated me from witnessing work, resulting in failing to link up with the rest of the Campus Crusaders in my own university.

For so long, I evaded the responsibility of trying to share to other people directly as I preferred the indirect approach of showing others what a Christian life is. It was still difficult though as my life isn’t an exemplar of what a Christian truly is. This is in conjunction with my struggles that I’ve been trying to get through. Then it happened I was chosen by our church congregation to lead our youth group.

It led me to changes in my life that I had to make in order to prepare teaching them. As I cannot face them and tell them to do something without me doing it myself. In every time I teach, I always hurt myself as I never forgave myself for my sins I had committed against God; that I didn’t deserve to lead anyone to Christ because I was so unworthy. However, I believed in those young people and with them, the youth group expanded into approximately 70 people. I never acknowledged that it was my doing but theirs, and that they were an instrument of God’s will as I frequently excused myself for my academics. It was like I left them on their own. But they were never alone.

I had doubts of my own as to my leadership of the youth but I believed in them. God took me to Thailand and to Third Wave 2012 with other young Nazarene leaders. Third Wave 2012 made me realize something: it doesn’t matter how many sins you have committed, and how many witnesses that you have possibly shared to but didn’t. The most important thing is that you forgive yourself as God has forgiven you. One can beat himself for his past or he can get past that and start believing that Jesus Christ is there to keep saving you, to keep holding on in spite of everything.

Reflecting on things that were…

Hello, there are many things to talk about but one thing that nags at me is my relationship with the opposite sex. It is true that my friends are mostly female but that isn’t the point of discussion. I have been reflecting on how I lost these friends of mine to others, to their relationships with their boyfriends. I practically never had a girlfriend and probably never will: it just exacerbates the feeling that I have of feeling alone.

Me and Cladette

The person beside me in this picture is a dear friend and I admire her dearly. Several failures of trying to raise a relationship from a platonic one to romantic one has caused to try prevent myself from ever getting into such a relationship. I am afraid I’m still hung up on the past and I cannot let go…it isn’t ideal but it will be how I deal with such things. However, I know for a fact that in spite of that, in their presence they make me smile because they’re rays of light shining down in the darkness I am in. I have several pictures of my friends whom I truly admire and also know it’s impossible to reach them.

Me and Jilliane

Me and Angelie

I just hope that no other follows my example of loneliness. There are some worst places in the world however, the worst is a prison of one’s own making. I made a prison cell of my own, where I’m surrounded by familiar things. All those girls that I’ve known for most of my life. My friends. I only prefer to keep those friendships rather than lose them in my bid to raise it higher. However, I also know not trying again isn’t good just because I’m afraid.

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I’m skeptical of the various things people tell me about the subject.Trust in God as you always have, as they always say. God always had my back all my life in everything…even though when I fall. I would like only for things to go back the way things were. At the time, my desire was to serve God…was so innocent back then…didn’t count the cost back then or rather didn’t know the cost. Now, it’s still the same game but with a new perspective.

I don’t blame God for my problems because I know for a fact that they’re self-inflicted. That it is pride to try to solve them myself first; only when I fail will I go to him. It seems that in this arena of relationships, I would like to convince myself that I’ll be alone forever, to deaden my emotions and feelings, to detach myself from all those things. That way, I’ll be more objective and I think I’ll accomplish more through that. But these things have a way telling me that they’re here to stay.

No matter how much I try, there will always be emotion in me and I will always be affected by them. I hope that God decides to send someone already, to save me from this utter loneliness. Though it is difficult, I pray for strength in this difficult time of mine.

Keep Saving Me, Jesus

This is my second post, a week and a half has passed and I still do not know how to proceed with things.

I can always tell myself that everything will be okay, that all is well. My reason usually always is that I can do it, that I can surmount it. However, it comes to a point when my strength has dried up, when all things possible with myself has been done and yet there are still problems to face. In spite of all my accomplishments, it feels like nothing has been accomplished. I currently have a sprained ankle due to a bad misstep. It has been a week since that event and yet the pain is still there. However, God has been faithful even as I have fallen short. I thank Jesus Christ for His continual patience with me, with all of us.

I have been recently listening again to Josh Wilson's album with the same title as His name. The song I'm going to talk about is entitled, "Savior, Please". It speaks about how futile our efforts are to change into the person I want myself to be. I want to follow Christ and yet such things is beyond me, as I see myself settling back in the old ways. That life is so fast and how days quickly passes me by.

The song has constantly reminded my need to keep connecting with God especially now in one of these moments when I lose hope. To keep on relying on God when all else fail. To always ask God to save us because we always do need saving. I am going to post the lyrics of the song below.

Savior Please by Josh Wilson

Verse 1:
Savior please, take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can
But I don't know long I'll last

Chorus:
I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone
God, I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior please, keep saving me

Verse 2:
Savior please, help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am
Because You're all that I have

Repeat Chorus

Bridge:
Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Hallelujah
Is everything I'll ever need
Hallelujah
And I'm learning to believe
Hallelujah
That I don't have to prove a thing
Hallelujah
Coz' You're the one who's saving me

Repeat Chorus

My First Ever Post

This is my first ever post on my first ever official blog. I've always wanted to write or rather type something as this is the medium I am most comfortable with. I can write my thoughts at a fast pace and give more time for me to reflect on things that surround me.

I am very thankful to my friends for inspiring me to use this as a medium to express my thoughts to let myself out. It is quite difficult to bottle it all in. May the Lord Jesus Christ bless you all and keep you safe and sound wherever you may be always.