Hello, there are many things to talk about but one thing that nags at me is my relationship with the opposite sex. It is true that my friends are mostly female but that isn’t the point of discussion. I have been reflecting on how I lost these friends of mine to others, to their relationships with their boyfriends. I practically never had a girlfriend and probably never will: it just exacerbates the feeling that I have of feeling alone.
Me and Cladette
The person beside me in this picture is a dear friend and I admire her dearly. Several failures of trying to raise a relationship from a platonic one to romantic one has caused to try prevent myself from ever getting into such a relationship. I am afraid I’m still hung up on the past and I cannot let go…it isn’t ideal but it will be how I deal with such things. However, I know for a fact that in spite of that, in their presence they make me smile because they’re rays of light shining down in the darkness I am in. I have several pictures of my friends whom I truly admire and also know it’s impossible to reach them.
Me and Jilliane
Me and Angelie
I just hope that no other follows my example of loneliness. There are some worst places in the world however, the worst is a prison of one’s own making. I made a prison cell of my own, where I’m surrounded by familiar things. All those girls that I’ve known for most of my life. My friends. I only prefer to keep those friendships rather than lose them in my bid to raise it higher. However, I also know not trying again isn’t good just because I’m afraid.
I’m skeptical of the various things people tell me about the subject.Trust in God as you always have, as they always say. God always had my back all my life in everything…even though when I fall. I would like only for things to go back the way things were. At the time, my desire was to serve God…was so innocent back then…didn’t count the cost back then or rather didn’t know the cost. Now, it’s still the same game but with a new perspective.
I don’t blame God for my problems because I know for a fact that they’re self-inflicted. That it is pride to try to solve them myself first; only when I fail will I go to him. It seems that in this arena of relationships, I would like to convince myself that I’ll be alone forever, to deaden my emotions and feelings, to detach myself from all those things. That way, I’ll be more objective and I think I’ll accomplish more through that. But these things have a way telling me that they’re here to stay.
No matter how much I try, there will always be emotion in me and I will always be affected by them. I hope that God decides to send someone already, to save me from this utter loneliness. Though it is difficult, I pray for strength in this difficult time of mine.
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